The Glass Apple
Below is the funniest Ebay ad I have ever read. My friend Erin sent it to me, and I have to post it here. I am actually tempted to buy it just because it is so well written that I suspect the author is either famous or soon to be famous, and his former apple of glass could become worth its weight in gold. Anyway, check this out:
There comes a time in every man's life when his dad takes him aside and gives him a glass apple.
At least, I'm assuming there is, because that's what my father did.
When your dad gives you a glass apple, you're left with many questions. Who makes glass apples? Where did my father come to possess a glass apple? Why is he giving me a glass apple?
The answers are Tiffany's, I Don't Know and I Really Don't Know, respectively.
There may be a tendency to think that the acquisition of a glass apple is one of life's milestones - much like graduation, marriage and the birth of a child. But upon further reflection it just appears that my father had a glass apple and didn't particularly want it around the house.
So he gave it to me, his first-born son.
As I've mentioned, it's a Tiffany's glass apple, made by Germans. Is that special? I don't know.
I've read a lot of books, but I've never gleaned from any of them just who has the best glass apples. I still don't know why they exist in the first place. They're hardly practical. Useless in salads, not a cost-effective way to brown-nose a teacher, and if one struck Newton on the head we'd have been short one smart guy and his theory of gravity.
Obviously it's unused, as far as glass apples go. It looks just like it did the day it was made, for whatever reason it was made.
For measurement purposes it's about the same size as a healthy, conventional apple. It comes in the very same Tiffany & Company box my father handed to me the day I joined the ranks of the glass-appled.
I've thought long and hard about holding on to this and making it an heirloom. I've tried to picture sitting down with my son in 30 years and handing him a glass apple. Perhaps I'd create a handover ceremony of sorts, with music and incense. I'd wear a tuxedo and present the glass apple on a velvet pillow. And he'd cry and thank me and promise to uphold whatever values a glass apple might represent. Then I'd climb a mountain and will myself to death.
But I can't do it. The glass apple has to go.
It would be my pleasure to sell you the aforementioned apple. No questions. No judgments. Just two consenting adults engaging in a perfectly legal transaction centered around see-through fruit.
Please, buy this glass apple.
And the Q&A are funny, too.
Q: are you sure you really want to sell it? you may end up missing it so!! I too, am the holder of the family glass apple! It has traveled many miles to many homes of mine and lived in the closet for many many years. Now in my new home near the beach it finally has a place of honor. What changed? My Father passed away in July and I moved in July and finally am all unpacked and it took having no parents left for me to find that apple a place out in the open!!!!! I was told that this apple was given to my Mom when she was a Nurse and a patient gave it to her to thank her for her kind care!! Thought you might appreciate my glass apple story. T
A: Your glass apple has a sweet story behind it. Mine was simply clutter. Hence the difference between heirloom apple and eBay apple.
Q: I don't have any money, but I do have a really great recording of Glass Onion, from the White Album. Actually it's straight off of the White Album, on a high quality cassette tape. Would you be interested in a trade?
A: Sweet. Can you throw in a cable that can connect my Walkman to iTunes?
Q: YOU DO REALIZE I DONT EVEN WANT THIS 7UCKIN APPLE....I THINK YOU WRITE SO WELL I AM HYPNOTIZED!!! EXCELLENT WRITING!!!PEACE111 zzzzzzz.....must have apple....zzzzzzz....must have apple PEACE BWK
A: Thank you for your kind words - which carry even more weight when accompanied with overbidding via PayPal.
Q: I am fine for glass apples but I am desperate for a pair of leather pants. Can you help me?
A: Nobody can help you if you're desperate for leather pants.
Q: Does this apple relate to Eris and Discordianism?
A: You'd have to ask the apple.
Q: I have the answer to your mystery quesion of 'Why is he giving me a glass apple?' I used to ask the same question of my mother, although not specifically with regard to glass fruit. My mother continually gives me little knick-knacks that no sane person needs. She then comes to my house and criticizes me for all the clutter, 80% of which is her knick-knacks, many stacked up still in their boxes. I eventually formed the theory that it's a game that some especially twisted parents play with their adult children. I think they're trying to get back at us for some egregious past behavior - such as being born.
A: So we're basically storage units, is what you're saying.
Q: Does this apple have any lineage or connection to a 'Snow White'?
A: That's best left up to conspiracy theorists or Wikipedia.
Q: You're hysterical!! I'm not going to bid, but thank you so much for your humor... my day started with a chuckle thanks to you! Good luck~!
A: Chuckle: $5. I take PayPal.
Q: As apples come from trees and, so I've heard, money grows on trees, are real apples or glass trees an acceptable form of currency?
A: Glass trees present portability issues that can't be addressed with conventional wallets. Anywhere they accept apples as currency probably has warlords, and as such is worth avoiding.
Q: Are you Christopher Walken?
A: No. But Walken reading this listing would be an awesome podcast. If only I knew him and how to make a podcast.
Q: Wouldn't a still life painting, of glass fruit, be better refered to as a window?
A: I'd have to know where you'd hang it before I could answer clearly.
Q: Might you not regret this sale if your father ends up giving you a glass fig or banana next?
A: Only if I were painting a still life.