A SPECIAL SHOUT-OUT TO A MUCH-APPRECIATED READER OF NII (NANCY IN IRAQ):

HI BOB! THANKS FOR READING!!! (I'm glad you find me funnier than Melissa...HAHAHA)

Now, to answer your questions:

1. Was my friend Melissa wearing anything approaching safety protection?
A: Only if you consider shorts and a T-shirt safe. I do think she was wearing bug repellant.
2. Why was she not answering her phone?
A: Her phone doesn't work. I had forgotten. I thought it was because cells are not allowed in the chow hall.
3. Why does she feel the need to downplay everything?
A: This is a personality quirk (I almost said disorder) of hers. She is not a sensationalist. We probably wouldn't love her so much if she were.
4. Can you please smack her up the side of the head with something heavy.
A: Well, I whacked her unexpectedly with my fly swatter. Couldn't bring myself to use something heavy...